I always have mixed feeling about writing an update when life is so full of chaos and uncertainty. A lot of the time I just wait for things to settle down and THEN write. But it seems like that isn't going to happen any time soon. So that either means NO update for months at a time or writing an update when I'm stressed and grumpy and basically want to crawl in my hole and not come out until it's all over. So with that cheery introduction, let us proceed on together (or you can just check out the pictures and wait until the next installment!) ...

Work has gotten more and more stressful. There have been weeks where I really haven't slept much. I wake up and am worried about my day. I am having a harder and harder time being present when I'm not at work because my head is still at work. And the things I'm worried about aren't really even things that I like doing. It's stuff like project management or working with clients who are angry at me (or my company) or having to depend on people whose work is not always the quality which I would like. I've been getting to do less of the stuff I'm really good at and get stuck doing more of the stuff that I really don't enjoy and it isn't looking like that is going to change anytime soon. It all came to a head in early June and I'd just had enough. My old boss from development and I have kept in touch and he happened to call that week with some really important pieces of information. The most important was that if I came back, I wouldn't have to develop on the platform that made me leave in the first place. They have ruled it out as an option and are going a different way. Halleluiah! And what that meant to me was that the deciding factor for me leaving development - lack of stability - was now gone. I wasn't going to have to worry about whether I was going to have a job in 3 months (or if I was going to totally HATE my job in 3 months). So with that in mind, I told him that I would come back. And that is where we are today. The powers that be are still working out what that is going to look like. Development would take me tomorrow and Technical consulting would like to keep me for a six months. The not knowing is the hardest part for me and it's been like this for weeks now. Hopefully everyone can agree on a plan before I go completely insane!!

The other big thing for me was the realization that as well as David and I get along, I don't want to marry him. There was about a two month span where I was really seriously thinking about it - what would it like to be married to David? There are lots of things that I think would work. I can always count on him, he will always be loyal and true, he will always do his share of the work (and then some), and he will always be my biggest fan. Not small things to be sure! But then it comes back to the things that I really want in a lifetime partner that are missing for me. And when I step back and ask myself if they are really such a big deal the answer is "YES". And I've struggled wondering if I'm just looking for the "perfect man". But that's not it. It's just that I know what I want in a relationship and what is essential for success. I probably could make things work with DJ if I had to but I would always wonder if the "whole package" had been out there somewhere. And that's not a strong foundation to build a marriage from. So we've been in a pretty funky state. I still enjoy him and like spending time with him. We had a blast seeing Second City and took TWO road trips together since the last F-O-G. But in the midst of it, I've been struggling with the question: So what does it mean that we won't be getting married? I guess you'll have to stay tuned just like I will.


Please join me in congratulating Ethan on receiving his ORANGE BELT in Karate! He always wants to quit Karate right before it's time to go and then just ROCK AND ROLLS when we get there. It's obviously to me in just watching him that he's got his athleticism from his dad's side. My family is much more of the "sit around and play a board game" variety than a "hit the baseball over the house" type. He also just finished his T-ball season with Grandma F as his coach and did SO well! It was really fun to see him excel and really enjoy himself in the meantime.

We are continuing to work finding a medication that works for Ethan's ADHD. We're on number four now. The problem is that all of them really seem to help his behavior but he just stops eating. He weighs today about what he weighed this time last year. And I've tried everything from letting him pick all the food to insisting that he eat a certain amount at each meal. He's just not hungry and he's starting to get really skinny. Fortunately I really like his new doctor and she's doing everything she can to help us out including giving free month's supplies of the new drugs when she has coupons. I am hopeful that we will find a medication soon that works across the board. Something that helps Ethan keep his hands to himself, curbs the defiance AND something where he is eating and growing at a normal rate.

As always, I'm trying to solve potential problems with solutions that work for both Ethan and myself. A raging success has been the picture schedule. Without being able to read, Ethan can now see what is happening today, how many days it is until Grandma's house, etc. It has almost totally relieved me of the "Mommy, when is ??? happening" syndrome. Thank goodness! We've also employed the "Frog Curtain 2, Electric Boogaloo" plan (because really, what good is a plan if it doesn't have a cool name!). The frog curtain plan came about when Ethan wouldn't stop getting out of bed. I realized that his sleep patterns had shifted and that he wasn't needing to go to bed as early. The problem was that I didn't want to hang out with him any later! So we devised the frog curtain plan. Basically, Ethan goes to his room at a specific time at night and can play quietly. As long as I don't see him and don't hear him, he gets an extra hour before bed. It's worked out great! He almost never gets out of bed anymore and seems to really like the extra freedom. And then there is still the stuff that I'm working on. Like how to get Ethan ready in the morning now that we actually have to be somewhere. And what to do when he physically blocks my way (since I won't be bigger than him for much longer!). Or how to handle his defiance without losing my temper. The number of "problem behaviors" was starting to seem overwhelming so I've taken to white boarding them and thinking about them when I'm not right in the middle of it. And, so as not to lose perspective, I also write down all the moments that melt my heart at the top of the board. It's a much bigger list and I need to remind myself of that every day. Remember Sharon: There are just a couple of things that you need to find solutions to but there is so much to love about that wonderful boy!

As I mentioned in my last F-O-G, Ethan's dad got remarried in late June. Ethan flew out to the wedding with Pop Pop (his granddad) and had very little to report on his return. Basically it was all very boring except the square dance which totally rocked! So now Ethan has a whole other family including a Grandma and Grandpa Pancake (not making this up). Heather seems like a nice girl and I'm glad that Ethan has another person in his life who loves him so much.

People have asked how I'm doing with the whole thing. In general, I feel okay about it. Being married seems like a lifetime ago and I don't have much in the way of feelings for Ethan's dad anymore. He's changed a ton and so have I. What it mostly has brought up for me is the realization that I'm just very tired. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of being the sole provider for our family. I'm tired of being on the job 24/7 almost every day and that when I'm not working at my job, I'm working at being a mom. I have been daydreaming about a vacation from my life - a month long holiday from my job and my son and my responsibilities to just sit and do nothing. Read a book. Sit on the beach. Sleep late and have chocolate cake for breakfast. At the same time that I'm writing this, a little voice in my head reminds me that I also get all the giggles and all the good night kisses. I get the world's best hugs and comments like "Mommy, you're on my top level". I know that I will get another burst of energy - a renewed interest and enthusiasm for those things I have chosen for myself. But for today I'm just going to allow myself the fantasy of hitting the fast forward button and coasting into an easier time...

AHHH... Chocolate cake....

Until then (or until next time - whichever comes first)