Someone e-mailed me after a recent F-O-G to ask if I was giving her the straight story. If I put a happy face on my life for public consumption - or if I am just terminally happy :) I am amazed to say that, although I was a rather troubled and depressed teenager, I have a really positive attitude these days. Problems often show up like opportunities. I have a very low threshold for whining and self pity. It generally takes me no more than two days in a struggle to see something positive. So it's with this background in mind that I tell you that things for me officially suck. BOO!

It all started when I got the announcement that my job was being outsourced to India. Effective May 1. Right after my promotion into my dream job. BOO! I've spent the last six weeks documenting what I know about our product and training the folks who will be taking my job. It's been horrible horrible work. And the worst part is knowing that when I'm done, I have to start doing work that does not interest me in the least. I've begun to think about what else I could be doing with my life, but the parameters seem so narrow at the moment. It has to fit into a pretty fixed set of criteria including salary, hours, and flexibility. In a couple of weeks I may be able to come at it with a belief again that anything is possible. But sadly, today, I am still so mad and disappointed that I can't look at it straight.

And then David and I broke up. Two weeks ago last Saturday. BOO! It had been almost six months this time. Things had been really good for a while and then they were pretty mediocre for a while. I sat back and started to look at us as individuals and as a couple. And I realized that we were just not right for the long term. That some crucial things were missing and they were never going to be there, no matter how many times we tried. What makes it really hard is that David is a wonderful guy. All the great things I've ever said about him are still true. He's just not for me. Leaving a relationship that kind of works is SOO much harder than leaving one that's dead in the water. And leaving a really great guy is SOO much harder than leaving a jerk. Unlike any other time we've split, we've not been speaking and that's been really challenging. But it's also been really interesting and good for me to see where I'm missing him. There are lots of things about David that I miss. And what comes up for me most of the time is just being lonely. He has played a huge role in my life for a long time. We saw each other three nights a week and called all the others. With David gone, I'm short one best friend and have a lot of extra time on my hands.

It's my nature to hurry into something else to fill the void and avoid the feelings. Find another relationship. Sign up for a class. SOMETHING. And this time I decided to go a different route. I declared an official two week period of suffering. It was my intention to get down into the muck and mire and stay there. Sulk. Wallow. Feel sorry for myself. I got a free trial version to netflicks and watched an ungodly number of movies. I bought alcohol - lots of it - and drank it. I stared at the ceiling a lot. And I spent some really important time just being with it. All of it. I totally avoided thinking about what comes next. My hope was that I would get so sick of suffering that, at the end, I would be ready to put that past in the past and look at the future with fresh eyes.

It has been exactly what I needed. Towards the end I was just so sick of checking out and feeling sad! With three days left to go, I was done. And I still forced myself to do three more days to get it all out of my system. I am left in a really interesting place. I have no idea what will be next for me career-wise. I've realized that I don't care about computers. I'm not one who keeps up on the latest trends or products. Solving problems is just something I'm good at and something that is applicable in computers. I'm guessing it would be an important skill in a lot careers - so now I'm left to wonder: what do I want to do when I grow up? I have also seen very clearly that there is a huge hole in my life with no David. Once again, I am confronted by the fact that I have very little in the way of local community. This has been a recurring theme for me and one that takes center stage when I realize that I have a lot of time to fill now and few local friends to fill it with! I've begun to look at what's available for me in Crystal Lake and have some promising leads.

I'd appreciate your calls and e-mails. I've hit a rather mammoth sized bump in the road and could use some extra lovin' and support. I know that I'll look back at this particular juncture some day in the future (like I do all the rest of the times that seemed horrible but turned out to be pivotal) and be so glad for this kick in the pants that leads me to whatever comes next. But, as I'm sure you know, it still sucks in the present. So, for now, a big thanks to the Cardinal Liquor store and NetFlix.com for helping me get through my EPOS (extended period of suffering). I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's over. I don't know what the future holds but I do believe now, as always, that the best is yet to come.

It probably comes as no surprise that things with Ethan have been a little rocky. I haven't had much extra to give him. And he is rather perceptive. So when mommy is having a hard time, he generally does too. We've just been hanging on and trying to do what works. I've given him permission to ask the question "How are you being right now mommy?" Surprisingly, he never abuses it and is always dead on. He asks when I am yelling (because I've promised not to yell) or when I am acting like a child (because I've committed to be a positive adult role model) or when my head is just plain spinning around (because, well, you know). It's actually been wonderful to be reminded of what I am committed to when it comes to Ethan. Especially while I'm acting like a crazy person. It has been a great opportunity for me to stop and get my center again. Some times take longer than others. Sometimes it involves a mommy time out and sometimes I just apply chocolate. Then I usually ask for a "re-do". It's a chance to rewind and try again to be the mom I want to be. Ethan, mixing up the terms re-do and do-over calls them re-overs which always cracks me up. Getting to try again has helped with some of the guilt I had been feeling for not being able to be great with him all the time.

I've been noticing lately how sweet and giving Ethan is. I get a present about every day. He'll pick a leaf for me or bring me something from school. He'll share his last cookie at lunch. He's been setting the table for me in the mornings so I don't have to do it to get breakfast served. He's been calling me Sweet, Wonderful Mommy which is one of my favorites. He wants to hold doors for people no matter where we go. He has also started to play with the little boy next door (2.5) and it's been very sweet to see Ethan help Liam with rules to the games. Sometimes he pushes Liam on the swing. I love to see this part of him blossom and am sure it as least as much his nature as it was nurture.

I'm going to put my Florida Vacation in a section all its own. Not only because it doesn't really fit the theme at the top but also because it was truly a one of a kind trip and deserves it's very own section. Sitting down to write it I can hardly believe it really happened. It's a pretty long story but hopefully the reading of it will not be nearly as painful as the living of it. Interested? Read on...

The trip really started the night before we left. To shave an hour off the morning travel time, Ethan and I spent the night at my parent's house. Poor Ethan, out of the environment he knows and is comfortable in, wet the bed. The good news is that my mom set the guest bed up with Ethan's naps in mind and bought a water proof mattress cover. I stripped the bed, started the laundry and had new sheets on in no time. Almost like I've done that before... :) We snuggled back in and returned to sleep. That is, until Ethan threw up some time later. Poor little guy! I felt so bad trying to be gentle and reassuring and still rush him to the bathroom since we were sleeping on the bed "without a net". After some discussion with my father about the washable-ness of the comforter and a suitable barrier for the bed (since who knew what the rest of the night was going to look like), Ethan and I snuggled down on top of the blow up air mattress and passed the rest of the night without event. Thanks goodness! We got up the next day and my mom chauffeured us to the airport. We pulled up to the Delta terminal and it was at that moment that I realized I had forgotten ALL of Ethan's toys in the trunk of my car. AHH!!! Oh well, it was too late to do anything about it. Our flight out was great anyway and we spent two really fun days with Karen and Jackson Stump. We went to Wild Adventures theme park and Ethan was FEARLESS - insisting that we ride the biggest and baddest in the park. Saturday night however my stomach started to cramp up and I spent the whole night feeling badly. It didn't help that Karen's neighbor was playing really loud music or that Ethan sleeps like a wild banshee - flailing limbs about willy nilly. I woke up the next day and still felt lousy. So I spent most of the day in bed, reading and sleeping and catching up six weeks of personal e-mail. Karen got really worried about catching whatever it was that I had. And since I was mostly feeling better by later in the day, I decided to pack us up just a little earlier than planned and head for the beach. Ethan and I made a stop at Walmart to stock up on supplies. He had gotten very attached to the Stump's game-boy so I decided to pick one up for him to help pass some of the travel time. BEST DECISION I MADE ALL TRIP!! But I'll get back to that. As we were finishing up with the shopping, I took a good long look at Ethan and realized that his one eye was looking a little red. And then I started seeing the goop and knew: pink eye. I called my eye doctor who I'm on very familiar terms with now (see ORTHO-K from last update) and he called in a prescription for us at a location in Panama City Beach. So we headed on out. We picked up the medicine at a Walgreens upon arrival and I got the scoop from a local woman about good places to stay. Turns out, and I should known this, that it's spring break. For everyone. In Panama City Beach. DUH!! The hotel we were directed to was very nice with family pools and beach front rooms. I'm sure it would have been lovely any other week of the year but this particular week it was crawling with co-eds. The first room we were given was right over the bar, but I quickly got that changed to a room down the way. Sadly, it too was very loud until all hours of the night and no one got any sleep. The next morning, we hit the pool as soon as it opened and hada total blast going down the water slides. Ethan was king of the pool in his floaties and we played and played and played. We got up to the room to change and the people next door had already started up with the drinking and the noise. A part of me decided that it was probably penance for my misspent youth, but that didn't make it easier to deal with a boy who couldn't nap. I decided that I would go back downstairs to ask for yet another room when Ethan started to complain that his ear hurt. The pain continued so we headed down and got some swimmer's ear medication. He said it felt a little better and that he wanted to watch TV while I got the room switch worked out. So I headed downstairs and procured us the family suite with no neighbors. Thank god! I moved a sleeping Ethan to our new room and went back for the stuff. I got to the new room with all the bags and Ethan had woken up and was crying and saying his ear was worse. I'm was at a loss. I called Ethan's doctor at home and they told me that he needed to be seen by a doctor. Game-boy to the rescue #1. Ethan played while I frantically called around and found an ER where we were covered. The whole rest of the day was spent getting to the ER (Game-boy to the rescue #2), waiting to get seen at the ER (GBTTR#3), and getting seen at the ER. A very nice doctor diagnosed Ethan with a double ear infection and wrote us a script. Good thing I already knew where the Walgreens was :). I'm still amazed at how calm and collected I was at this point. I was in take-care-of-the-next-thing mode and doing a really good job about enjoying Ethan and our vacation in spite of it all. Harrowing moments? Yes? Fits of crying? Yes? Spoiled vacation? NO WAY! I realized that Ethan was taking his cues from me, so I just let it all slide off my back and he went right along with it! The next morning we had breakfast at a really good pancake restaurant. On our way out, a man pointed out that our rental car had a flat. I looked at Ethan and said "Oh boy! Looks like we get some tire changing practice! How fun!" and he lit up. I pulled the car around, took out the spare and Ethan looked up at me and said "Mommy, this is our luck day". He pointed to a penny in the wheel well and I looked down to see his beaming face. It was my favorite moment of the whole trip. It's something that I say to him all the time: You don't get to pick what happens to you but you always get to choose how you're going to be about it. I had decided that no matter what happened, it was all going to be great and Ethan had joined right in with me. A very nice cook changed our tire. The manager played tic tac toe with Ethan while I worked with the people at the rental agency to get the car fixed. It turned out that getting a new car was the fastest option so we did that. Then Ethan and I spent the rest of the day on the beach, just enjoying playing together. We had a delicious dinner at a restaurant I just happened to notice on the way by. We headed back to Tallahassee on Thursday (GBTTR#4) and had very smooth flight back (GBTTR#5).

It's funny. With all that happened, I don't look back on the trip and think about what a disaster it was. I'm left feeling really blessed. We had a great time in spite of everything. It was the first trip where Ethan was actually a help. It was the first trip where we really enjoyed each other's company when we were together and could spend a little time apart, doing what we liked to do separately. And for every "bad" thing that happened, something good came of it. It seems strange to me to be describing my experience in this way. I don't remember being this person earlier in life. In fact, I know I spent a good chunk of my early years being sullen and feeling victimized no matter what happened. I don't remember when I changed. But I can tell you that I am truly grateful that no matter what life throws at me, I always land on my feet and make the best of it.

Until next time...